Piece of my Heart will always be Broken

My last blog, “Caring For Orphans” was passionately written and sent out on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 to all of our family, friends and acquaintances. Friday evening, October 21, 2011 I found out I was pregnant. I could go on about how I felt and what happened for that time being, but as I already typed I was pregnant. So with that said, I cannot remember how I felt before I heard the news because my heart quickly went from extreme excitement to extreme heartbroken.

Thanksgiving Day – The first day I felt great in the 8 weeks of pregnancy with morning sickness nonstop. This was also the day I lost my baby and did not know it. I ended up going to the Emergency Room to get an ultrasound on Friday at the time I was suppose to go to work; my OB/GYN nurse told me to get checked out “just in case” and “better safe than sorry” but “things will more than likely be just fine.” Because my symptoms were minor, I didn’t prepare myself for the worst. If you truly know me, then you know I am always prepared for the worst so for once I was thrown off guard when the Radiologist very bluntly said, “Unfortunately, no heartbeat has been found. So you may miscarry soon. Sorry for giving you not-so-good news.” Just like that my heartbeat wanted to stopped, too. I kept a straight face and truly thought I could handle the news. “Because I knew it happens 25% of pregnancies and 1 out of 3 pregnancies are miscarried. Also,I just knew I would miscarry because I know I’m suppose to adopt so why would I get pregnant? So of course I’m not shocked.” Those were the thoughts running through my mind. When I finally dared to glance back to Michael, who had been standing in the corner beside me, I could see the instant pain reflect from the face of this man who just found out he isn’t a daddy after-all. Because I am pessimistic and Michael is optimistic, it may be true that he was more heartbroken than me. At least right away….

So what happened next? I went back to work the next day. Shhh, don’t tell me I am crazy because I now know I was. In my logical mind, it’s only an emotion so I can physically go to work and besides, I did just miss work on BLACK FRIDAY. I owe it to them, right?! Well I barely made it to 2 hours on my shift. Out of nowhere I felt this sharp pain again in my left side but much worse than what brought me to the E.R. I still didn’t want to leave, even though I was sobbing in front of my supervisor. If it weren’t for my co-workers (older ladies) insisting it was labor pains and I shouldn’t be there but to go home to rest, I would have continue to think I was just over exaggerating. That pain continued from Saturday through Wednesday, when I woke up from the D&C procedure, which I begged my doctor first thing Monday that I had to have!

So I go back to work Friday to find out my Assistant Manager is giving me paid sick days for the days I’ve missed from work! PRAISE GOD for not letting us financially slide down because of this and PRAISE GOD my managers are more than compassionate about my absences, especially during the busiest time of the year. I thought my healing was over but after travelling in the car for 5 hours on Sunday to visit my sister I had some minor complications, which effected my time and energy with my family as we celebrate Christmas together (early).

I am confident that God gave me those physical pain in order to bring out my emotional pain. If it weren’t for all of this, I would have bottled up emotions I wouldn’t even know I had (still have) and that would have been a huge problem in the long run. I have been able to deal with strong pain both from my body and from my heart then cope with it as I begin to heal in both areas. At this time in my life, I am literally taking it day by day, not planning my future like I have always been doing since I was a kid. I am taking that as from God as well. I have just opened up only part of the pain Michael and I have been dealing with over the past few months. So there is a lot of healing that needs to be dealt with. I am beginning to see that God giving me a baby then losing my baby is allowing me to heal in that area but also in the other areas in our lives.

One of the resources getting me through ALL of this is the book:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances — Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions — Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others — Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator — Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask:

– Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
– What are legitimate boundaries?
– What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
– How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
– Aren’t boundaries selfish?
– Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
Posted by Jesalyn Hanna at 8:31 AM 0 comments