Piece of my Heart will always be Broken

My last blog, “Caring For Orphans” was passionately written and sent out on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 to all of our family, friends and acquaintances. Friday evening, October 21, 2011 I found out I was pregnant. I could go on about how I felt and what happened for that time being, but as I already typed I was pregnant. So with that said, I cannot remember how I felt before I heard the news because my heart quickly went from extreme excitement to extreme heartbroken.

Thanksgiving Day – The first day I felt great in the 8 weeks of pregnancy with morning sickness nonstop. This was also the day I lost my baby and did not know it. I ended up going to the Emergency Room to get an ultrasound on Friday at the time I was suppose to go to work; my OB/GYN nurse told me to get checked out “just in case” and “better safe than sorry” but “things will more than likely be just fine.” Because my symptoms were minor, I didn’t prepare myself for the worst. If you truly know me, then you know I am always prepared for the worst so for once I was thrown off guard when the Radiologist very bluntly said, “Unfortunately, no heartbeat has been found. So you may miscarry soon. Sorry for giving you not-so-good news.” Just like that my heartbeat wanted to stopped, too. I kept a straight face and truly thought I could handle the news. “Because I knew it happens 25% of pregnancies and 1 out of 3 pregnancies are miscarried. Also,I just knew I would miscarry because I know I’m suppose to adopt so why would I get pregnant? So of course I’m not shocked.” Those were the thoughts running through my mind. When I finally dared to glance back to Michael, who had been standing in the corner beside me, I could see the instant pain reflect from the face of this man who just found out he isn’t a daddy after-all. Because I am pessimistic and Michael is optimistic, it may be true that he was more heartbroken than me. At least right away….

So what happened next? I went back to work the next day. Shhh, don’t tell me I am crazy because I now know I was. In my logical mind, it’s only an emotion so I can physically go to work and besides, I did just miss work on BLACK FRIDAY. I owe it to them, right?! Well I barely made it to 2 hours on my shift. Out of nowhere I felt this sharp pain again in my left side but much worse than what brought me to the E.R. I still didn’t want to leave, even though I was sobbing in front of my supervisor. If it weren’t for my co-workers (older ladies) insisting it was labor pains and I shouldn’t be there but to go home to rest, I would have continue to think I was just over exaggerating. That pain continued from Saturday through Wednesday, when I woke up from the D&C procedure, which I begged my doctor first thing Monday that I had to have!

So I go back to work Friday to find out my Assistant Manager is giving me paid sick days for the days I’ve missed from work! PRAISE GOD for not letting us financially slide down because of this and PRAISE GOD my managers are more than compassionate about my absences, especially during the busiest time of the year. I thought my healing was over but after travelling in the car for 5 hours on Sunday to visit my sister I had some minor complications, which effected my time and energy with my family as we celebrate Christmas together (early).

I am confident that God gave me those physical pain in order to bring out my emotional pain. If it weren’t for all of this, I would have bottled up emotions I wouldn’t even know I had (still have) and that would have been a huge problem in the long run. I have been able to deal with strong pain both from my body and from my heart then cope with it as I begin to heal in both areas. At this time in my life, I am literally taking it day by day, not planning my future like I have always been doing since I was a kid. I am taking that as from God as well. I have just opened up only part of the pain Michael and I have been dealing with over the past few months. So there is a lot of healing that needs to be dealt with. I am beginning to see that God giving me a baby then losing my baby is allowing me to heal in that area but also in the other areas in our lives.

One of the resources getting me through ALL of this is the book:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances — Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions — Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others — Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator — Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask:

– Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
– What are legitimate boundaries?
– What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
– How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
– Aren’t boundaries selfish?
– Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
Posted by Jesalyn Hanna at 8:31 AM 0 comments

Quick Magic Update

I haven’t posted in a while, but here is a quick magic update.

NYC Bound

This time tomorrow I will be on my way to New York City! I love NYC. Here are a few reasons why I ♥ NY…

There is a lot of great magic and magic shops in the city. Hopefully (if you are reading this) you know I love magic.

You never run out of free things to do. Libraries, some museum exhibits, niche stores, street performances, parks and street events, site seeing, and even going to  TV shows are all examples of free things that happen every day in NYC.

I love historical towns, great stories, old architecture, and grand cathedrals and churches. NYC has them all.

I could go on and on. There is something about the beautiful skyscrapers, millions of diverse people, and the continuous buzz of energy that makes me see the power of God. Its not until you stand in the middle of over a million people and look around you that you realize how insignificant to the world you are. Then you open your Bible and read that God knows the number of hairs on your head and you realize just how significant to God you are.

I will be doing just that this weekend. I plan on going to NYC and just walking around. I will be taking my Bible, a book I have been wanting to read, a deck of cards, and maybe a few coins and just spending time with God. I do have a couple things in mind for while I’m up there, but mostly it will be just time to watch and listen.

Here are the few things I will probably do while I’m up there…

Visit Fantasma, Tannens, and Abracadabra (3 magic shops in the city)

Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I have never done this, but always wanted to.

Go to a mass at St. Patricks or St Johns Devine. No, I’m not Catholic, but I love the beautiful tradition and cathedrals.

I read about an museum that is celebrating 400 years of the King James Bible so I might check that out.

Other than that, I have nothing planned. I can’t wait to see where God takes me this weekend.

 

Jumbo Shrimp, and other things I have learned this summer.

So it seems like summer just started and its now August. What happened to it? Well, my summer has been spent in class. summer school are two words that should never go together. Some of my other favorite pairs of words are… Jumbo shrimp… Biggie smalls… Canadian army… and last, but not least… Cute baby.

This summer has flown by. Jes and I have been so busy and so many great (and not so great) things have happened that I really haven’t stopped to smell the… I don’t know what kind of flowers bloom in the summer. So, I want to take a moment to list the events of The Davenport’s summer.

I have been taking two summer classes to keep me on track for graduating this year. I am projected to finish with an A and a B. Both classes have been surprisingly fun and good information for me to learn. They are senior level classes, so the material has been very geared to my interests. It has actually made me consider going a bit further in this “school thing”.

Jesalyn started her new job at Stein Mart at the beginning of the summer. She has already had some great and not so great experiences. She has enjoyed the more moderate schedule and less responsibility that comes with a larger retail company. Like any job it still has its ups and downs, but I can actually say that I am glad she took this job. I was a little skeptical going in, but I think we made a great decision together. That’s why we make a better team than we do individuals.

On the flip side of the last event, I lost my job in June. A week after receiving a tremendous 1 year review at News America Marketing and having my boss sing my praises throughout the company, I found out the company who contracted us was terminating their contract. We were done. Thousands of people in my situation all across the country had two weeks notice that we were loosing our jobs. Some good and bad has come from it, but mostly I have found myself with more time to focus on my family, my magic, and my God. God has been showing me a lot through my “free” time this summer and I know He isn’t done.


We took our first trip to Florida together. We took a long weekend and headed down to see Jes’ brother and his wife. I love spontanious travel and even though this trip was somewhat planned. I love taking side roads and finding new spots for Jes and I to create memories. I think we have grown to love this together. There’s something about not knowing where you are or where you are going that makes a trip more fun. On the way down we stopped on a random public boardwalk that overlooked the beach to watch the sunrise. I took the picture of the sunrise that I used earlier in this post that morning. It was (cliche intended) magical. Then on the way home we timed it so we could stop for dinner in Jacksonville. We ate on the water and walked across the blue bridge together. That was an amazing night. We even got to be on the bridge when it lifted for a boat to pass under it. We also loved checking out the cool places in St Augusting with our own personal tour guide (Grace, our sister-in-law, is a tour guide in historic St Augustine) showing us all the great spots and getting us great deals on everything. Without Bobby and Grace being such supportive siblings we would never have been able to make the trip. They were amazing hosts. God has blessed Jes and me with such awesome families and its things like this trip that make us thank God for how blessed we are.

Since I lost my job we have been bringing in dogs. Mainly my best friend’s neighbor has employed me as her own personal doggy daycare. This has been a huge hassle, but a huge blessing. Without her financial help Jes and I would be in horrible shape, but this dog is no easy dog to take care of. Let’s just say that clothes have been ruined, furniture has been demolished, and even door frames will forever be scarred because of this terrorist. She is such a cute dog that you would never guess how much of a pain she has been, but overall we now see Gucci (yes, her owner likes designer clothing) as the step child that we have shared custody of. She is another great example of how God has continued to provide for us.

Now on to a couple negative things that have happened this summer…

My great friend and mentor in magic moved away. This series of events is difficult for

me to explain, but Craig and I had become really close over the last year. Finding a (great) magician who is a man of God and shares a lot of the same values as me really revived my love for magic. Craig got robbed while busking downtown and punched to the ground by some gang members just a couple weeks before he was supposed to move. This would normally be horrible news, but looking back this allowed Craig to stay a week or so longer and he got to stay at our house. Even though his leaving really sucks, he got to spend his last 10 days here living with us. It was a great time full of magic and eating, the two things Craig and I do best.

Jesalyn’s baby Jake has been going through some tough times. He has been getting worse over the last year, but we spent a long night in the hospital with him and I really thought we were going to loose him. He has been having trouble breathing and controlling his bladder. He has also dropped a lot of weight and we can’t seem to put it back on him. He is very old and we know that these are signs of the end of a life well lived, but that night in the hospital has opened our eyes to just how much he has aged. With some rehab and some meds he has gotten the fluid out of his lungs (for the moat part) and seems to have some good days, but the doc says that he is in the early stages of congestive heart failure and there isn’t really anything we can do.

Over the last year and a half I have gotten to know a great family. I met them on the basketball court, but our relationship has grown serving together at Radiant Life. The kids are half of the youth group (literally) that I took over at RLF. I have loved serving with them, going to their ball games, playing at the park with them, and eating a lot of pizza with them. They always brought their friends and several of their friends are now part of the youth at RLF. These guys are just great people who everyone loves. Well, they unexpectedly had to move back to Mexico (after being here 7 years). Their oldest son graduated high school and got a full scholarship to an international university in Mexico to play basketball. This is a dream for him and the family. So within a week they packed up all their things and just left. We had a great send off for them at church, but it all seemed so short. Jes and I really feel like we were just starting to build great relationships with AT, Edwardo, Dalia, and Ally (all the kids) and now they’re gone. Just like that…

A few more good, no, GREAT things…

My grandmother celebrated her 75th birthday on July 9th. Nanny and Poppy are (outside mine and Jesalyn’s parents) the people I look up to the most in every aspect of life. I think Jesalyn would probably agree. To celebrate this with my grandmother was amazing. We had a big surprise blow out at my parents house. My grandmother is the last of all her siblings to be alive so dad invited all of her sibling’s kids to the party. This was the first time that several of them even met each other. Some of the family had not even spoken in my lifetime so for all of us to be at one place celebrating such an amazing person was unbelievable. I haven’t seen Nanny this happy in a long time. She just lost her sister (her best friend) a month before and this couldn’t have come at a better time. I know I keep mentioning the importance of family in mine and Jes’ lives and Nanny is the biggest reason why I will always have that value instilled in me.

I just mentioned this, but I think it deserves a paragraph all on its own. My great aunt Rosie passed away this summer. Nanny’s best friend and last remaining sibling. Funeral’s are hard, especially when my dad usually has to deliver the eulogy and it makes me upset to see him get emotional, but the reason this is going with other “good” stuff is because Rosie is in such a better place now. She loved Jesus and lead a great life that exemplified the life of a servant. She battled for the last couple years with all kinds of medical issues and health problems. This is a good thing, because she is healthy again and she is so much better off now.

Jesalyn’s best friend got married this weekend. We just spent the weekend in Asheboro. Shandra and Dexter finally tied the knot and it was a great wedding. My wife was away from me for a couple days so getting to go to the wedding and see how beautiful she was when she was all dolled up made me fall in love with her all over again. A moment I will try never to forget was dancing with her at the reception. It was just one of those moments in your life when time stands still.

Over all, this summer God has shown me so much about life. He has been reinforcing values and priorities in my life and He has even been introducing new ones. I have gotten the opertunity to serve at Radiant Life this summer at Angels and Sparrows serving food to some great people in Huntersville and in Huntington Green spending the afternoon with kids who need some good adult influences in their lives. Chris also gave me the opertunity to teach twice in our summer series called At The Movies. The first time I have ever prepared a sermon on my own and delivered it. Some great friends, my grandparents and my parents all came to be a part of the first one I did and it was a great day. I really enjoyed the entire process and I know God taught me so much through this experience.

God is working like crazy in my heart and in our life. All this has happened in just the last couple months and yet the upcoming couple of weeks are going to be jam packed. I have the Final for my second summer class next week. Then Jes and I are going to the Tim McGraw concert the next day. Then the next week we are taking a week vacation with my parents and my brother’s family to Cherry Grove. Jes and I couldn’t be any more excited for this trip. We haven’t had a full week vacation since our honeymoon 4 years ago. Then once we get back from that trip fall semster starts the next day. So we have a lot to pack into these last couple weeks of summer.

Crazy me is wanting to jam one more thing in. I really feel God is working on my heart this summer. I have been thinking for some time now about taking a road trip on my own to get away and talk to God. A lot of spiritual leaders do this and take time in the mountains or in the wilderness, but I am not a “wilderness” type of guy. I love the city. I love watching people and listening to the sounds of life around me. I love the feeling of standing in a place with millions of people and feeling small. I don’t know why I am designed this way, but I appreciate how insignificant I become in a place like this. So I have decided in what time I have left to myslef this summer to get away. I am either going to Philly or NYC or both and I’m going this week. I invited a friend with me to cut costs and just have someone to keep me company on the drive, but I am going to do this with or without him. I am going to do this for myself. I’m going to end this summer with a bang and I can’t wait to spend time with God this weekend.

What a summer!!!

God is… At the Movies

AT THE MOVIES: God is…
Is there a way to discover more about who God is by watching movies? Well, sort of.
If we use the Bible as our lens, there’s a pretty good chance we’ll see God all over the place. But how do we recognize God? How do we know when it’s NOT God? During the month of July, we hope to illustrate a few Biblical attributes (characteristics) of our Amazing God! Maybe this series will help you get better at recognizing who God is. Maybe you’ve never thought of God in this way. Maybe you will even recognize some of God’s image actually growing inside YOU.
This week I will be talking about how God is… Strong. 

What else you can Expect?

I will be using scripture and the movie “Faster” (starring The Rock) to show you how God is ALL MIGHTY, ALL POWERFUL, how GOD IS STRONG! In the beginning of the Bible (Genesis 35:11) God declares himself “El Shaddai”. El Shaddai is Hebrew for God Almighty. God doesn’t just declare himself almight, he shows it throughout the Bible.

What does this mean for you?

What does this mean for the way we live our lives?

Find out this Sunday @ 10am @ RADIANT LIFE FELLOWSHIP.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

This Sunday at Radiant Life Fellowship I want to invite you to join us. I am really looking forward to this Sunday for a few reasons.

It is going to be action packed! We are talking about characteristics of God using current movies to illustrate what God is. This week is one of the most action packed movie trilogies of all times. TRANSFORMERS. You better believe that the message will be just as action packed as the movie.

We are also going all out this series. Most churches coast through the summer on auto-pilot because attendance is so inconsistent, but not us. This series we will be showing clips from great movies, playing an awesome popular song each week in addition to our awesome worship, incorporating fun games complete with give-a-ways for the winner, and this week the youth is ending it all with pizza and fun after the service.

The final reason why I am so excited about this Sunday is somewhat obvious. The message will be delivered by none other than your’s truly. I will admit that I am new to this and I will most certainly be nervous on Sunday morning. So all the familiar faces I can have in the house will help me more than you know.

With that being said, I would love to invite you RLF this Sunday at 10am. We meet at Blythe Elementary and you can come early for a little hang time with free coffee and bagels. I hope to see you there.

Powerless

So its dark, hot, and too quiet. I don’t know which of these things is worse.

Our power went out almost two hours ago. The weather was ridiculous for about 10 minutes and during the crazy wind and rain everything went black.

Now we are just waiting on the lights to come back, most importantly, the AC. We aren’t too concerned. The power company said we can expect power to return by 1AM. Hopefully they are correct, because our freezer has probably thawed and I am wasting my cell battery by writing this.

Just sitting here in the silence has me thinking… Don’t you hate it when that happens? Here are some random questions that are floating around in my head.

What’s up with all the crazy weather across the world?

How did/do people live without power?

Some people live without clean water and power. How is that even possible?

Our house smells like cookies because all the candles we have are sugar cookie scented, because that’s Jes’ favorite. We should probably invest in non scented candles for next time.

There are only three things to do at night without power… read, write, and play with cards. I don’t see how more card tricks weren’t created back before we had power.

It’s no wonder why old people go to bed early.

And wouldn’t you know it…LET THERE BE LIGHT! Perfect timing for the power to come back.

It’s times like this that make you appreciate thing you usually take for granted. It’s funny how we forget how blessed we are until something is taken away or broken. This has been a subtle reminder of something I learned several years ago. God uses disappointment, loss, and heart break to show us something that we would never have noticed without it. Often we are too busy, self righteous, or just too complacent to see God trying to show us something. When something goes wrong or something we take for granted in our lives is suddenly taken from us we realize we are powerless, we become vulnerable and we become more receptive. That is why God uses those times to mold us, teach us, and show us something we may never see in a regular moment in life.

I am going to be going to bed and thanking God for all the little luxuries we have in life and praying for all the people in the world who do not have them. That is what God has been showing me in the silence and stillness of this powerless night.

What has God shown you in the dark moments?

Panther’s Future?

I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but Cam is already having a good time as a Panther.

End of the World?

Conversation with Craig Stone

hahaha

Tricks are for kids!

Check out this video of me doing magic at Movies in the Park last night. It was an amazing night with around 2000 of my closest friends in Huntersville. Radiant Life went above and beyond to create such an amazing event for the community. There will be more pictures and video up of all the great fun.

My friend Josh Conklin shot this last night so thanks to him for being the on point media guy all night. I’m glad he survived the NASCAR experience at the end of the night 😉

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